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Journal

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12/2/2022, 5:42pm
my mom is returning soon. like in 12ish hours or less soon. ive got the house about half prepared for her, the rest is trival stuff that wont take long to do. the problem is that my aunt lynn is dying, so my mom is moving my sociopathic bitch little sister in with us. she has a tendency to break things that arent hers and abusing animals. i swear to fuck, if she messes with my little "workstation" or hurts my cat, 9Lives, im gonna go apeshit. at least the food issues and other problems with the family will be solved by my moms return. the cons outweigh the pros. i just hope nothing extreme happens.

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11/24/2022, 1:29am
is it a bad thing that i often think about how other people im close to would react to my suicide? i know they wouldnt actually give a shit, but the delusion is nice. often times though, i just picture them laughing at me or being totally unmoved by it, not caring in the slightest. on an unrelated note, im so fucking tired of being treated like shit. i dont even have much to say, no "IM HUMAN TOO!!!" to scream into the void. i know it wont change anything and it pisses me off. its just definitive proof that the only person who i can really count on is me, and even then, im fucked.

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11/15/2022, 10:55pm
i wish my friends would respond to me. i know this sounds bad, needy and codependent even, but i can barely get a response out of anyone when i have the urge to talk. a few of them simply ghost me in the middle of conversations, even, then get upset when i confront them. it boggles me, but only slightly. i get it, noone wants to interact with me. im annoying, boring, angry, etc, etc. i wish theyd at least, you know, tell me a definite reason as to why they avoid me. maybe i could change it, but i cant change what i dont know about. would someone throw me a fucking bone?

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11/12/2022, 11:43pm
i got into an argument a few days ago with my bitchy Aunt L and realized something: i dont give a shit if people think im nice anymore and i gain nothing by pretending to be nice. im tired of being a doormat for people and treated either like a burden or an accessory. im a fucking person, i have the same wants, needs, and desires as anyone else and ill be damned if i put up with being treated like less. im sick of being a fucking doormat for the majority around me. if someone cant be bothered to treat me like a human being, then fuck them. i gain nothing by lowering myself below their level just to please them, i dont help any situation by allowing myself to be treated like trash, and i refuse to let it go on any fucking longer.

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11/8/2022, 10:57pm
i wish i could stop remembering what your touch felt like. i wish i could purge the ghosts of your skin against mine from me, desperately. i so want to be held and cuddled like that again, but i cant be and will never feel it again. im so fucking sick of feeling you on me, even when im not thinking about you actively or trying to remember our relationships minute details. youve fucking broken me and cursed me with this, only to go behind my back and irreparably fuck me up for the rest of my life. i want you to go away, get out of my head, be fucking exorcised from my memory like the demon you are.

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11/6/2022, 11:05pm
i've tentatively returned. not really one hundred percent sure why, as unfortunately the circumstances that caused me to leave could repeat at any moment and then ill be gone again, but this situation has at least taught me to be much less...attached to my public projects and to put less information that could be used against me on them. sucks it has to be like that, but its sort of my fault for expecting itd be any different.

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11/3/2022, 12:11am
"i was just being postironic, i thought theyd get my humor, waaah!!!" how many times can you fucking excuse you treating people like shit until you no longer believe it yourself? you come to me whining about people being upset at you because of dumb shit youve said/done all the time, i dont think its just you being "post ironic" or whateve anymore. i think you just like being a prick, then backpedalling hard when someone calls you out on it.

3:06pm
everyone ive ever come into contact with, ive hurt in some way. my mere existence has detailed my mothers life and further crippled my fathers relationship with his family, my adopted father wasted all of his effort and even died a horrible slow death by cancer trying to raise me, and it was all for nothing because im such a fucking failure in every sense of the word. ive hurt S unintentionally by joking about very private and very sensitive matters and by being an asshole in general, ive hurt J and B by being a dick and by running my mouth too much, i hurt my stepfather even. by not trying harder. not being perfect. ive hurt E too, im sure. ive probably even accidentally hurt C. i cannot name a single person i know personally that i have done some sort of damage too, and it would be in their best interesting if i stuck this revolver in my mouth and splattered my brains on the wall. i just need to get the courage and ill be able to. it would make their lives better.

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10/25/2022, 4:15pm
a few days ago, a close friend of mine was drunk and accused me of habitually lying to him about my life, the horrible conditions in which i lived, my previous relationships, the list goes on. i have never lied to him, i have nothing to gain from doing so, however, it seems that his rambling has changed Js opinion of me since hes called me a liar now about whether or not a piece of equipment i intentionally broke months ago was working before i busted it, whereas hes never called me a liar before, then got all offended when I got mad. it wasn't functional, which is partially why i broke it. im sick of being accused of dishonest when i go out of my fucking way to be honest to almost everybody. i have nothing to gain by being dishonest. im tired of always being the odd one out, so fuck it. i just wont participate in anyone's activities or conversations anymore. good fucking riddance.

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10/20/2022, 3:45pm
i've been playing a lot of S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Anomaly on this new laptop. its so...hostile, inhospitible, but it feels...nostalgic. melancholic. like home. it feels good to be able to just hang out in 100Rads Bar and listen to the music, or do artifact runs. i've also gotten this chat mod that adds an irc chat feature to the game, so its even nicer. unfortunately...this is all offset by the fact that my cat, 9Lives, has a massive tumor on her side. i dont yet know if its cancerous or beign, but im terrified for her. shes my only constantly companion right now, and if she goes, im going to be alone more often than not. fuck.

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10/13/2022,6:11pm
this next one might ruffle some feathers, sorry in advance, but i feel like i have to talk about this. i will never understand the people who glamorize killing/innocent animals needlessly or killing innocent people because its edgy and cool, or the idea of death. i'm not talking about rappers or media making violence look cool, and im also not speaking of hunters killing a deer buck for food. i'm not even talking about that subcategory of dudes that make aeshtetic warwave edits on youtube from military training videos. i'm talking about the sociopathic fucks that brag about how theyve hurt animals or how they fantasize about killing innocent people. theyre typically the same assholes that worship the ground that the Columbine shooters walk on or are people who have dabbled in hardcore drugs, or some combination of the two. its disgusting, they want to kill and maime innocent people or wildlife, but the moment someone pushes back against them, they either double down on it or crumble apart. big bag scary bastard you are, wanting to torture defenseless things. grow up, get some fucking help.

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10/12/2022, 10:08pm
i'm so burnt out on everything. i have nothing to do all day other than play the same 4 games and fight with my wifi connection to work. i need something different. something new, even a job. but the harsh reality is that i'm a failure, a freak, a parasite. im riddled with regret and crippled with anxiety, paranoia, and a deep sense of agoraphobia or anthropophobia. both are applicable. i feel that everything from my childhood to actions and circumstances in my teenage years have set me back too far to be salvagable. the abuse from my stepfather, trying to hard to be the class clown and subsequently being hated for it by my peers, never trying to be social in my teenage years, and never trying at all in my adulthood. i am my worst enemy and im not sure how much longer i can just pretending everything is fine, to be honest. i have so many dreams and aspirations that i have to constantly remind myself will never come to fruition or have to remind myself im not skilled enough to pull off. i cant even draw because im obsessed with it being perfect. i dont know how to be any different, this is how i was raised. my social life is also abysmal, and what few friends i have left and drifting ever further away. i hate myself because i know im the cause of it. never serious enough, or too focused on my depression, or focused on bad things happening. i get it. noone wants to be around that. but im so fucking alone and i feel like i deserve love like everyone else, even if i dont in reality. everyday is the same, except when things are noticibly getting worse. if the negative events dont fucking kill me, the monotany will.

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10/11/2022, 11:49am
i keep saying ill leave neocities and delete my site, but it's not really feasible when i have noone to talk to about how i feel without being judged. just putting it on here allows me to totally disavow and never have to face any sort of negative effects. in short, its safe. anyway, im tired. totally drained and exhausted. my phone broke today by falling into some liquid in a container. i just got this phone a month ago, and i was going to use my unlimited data to download games for a laptop thats coming to me soon as my internet situation is extremely strenuous. now that that doesnt seem to be an option. this means that i cant really have much contact with the outside world, if any at all. why do bad things keep happening to me right after something even mildly good happens? the only people ive talked to about it always tell me that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i dont see how it is. things just seem to happen like that all the time. positive happening followed by unfortunate happening. i wish i could cut a break, "no strings attached".

12:23pm
this is unrelated to my last post, but i want to talk about...C. C, as you may know if youve read my previous posts mentioning him is a..person i'm associated with. i have to give a little background as to why i don't outright call him my friend. you see, we met in the same mental ward while we were both going through troubles in our lives. this was...2014? 15?. i think 2015. we clicked because of our mutual interests and so we became friends. after we both left the ward, we went our seperate ways for almost a full year without talking before he messages me on facebook. his first messages were about God and how i should worship more. i was friendly, but really sort of...brushed it off. i was disillusioned with church at this point, not to mention we had never talked about religion until this very conversation. a couple months later, he messaged me again, asking if i had a discord. i confirmed i did and we added each other. we talked about how he no longer was a die-hard christian, and we again clicked like no time had past. for the next few years, we were inseperable. i had the impression we were best friends, or at least he was my best friend. C even gave me a pc i used for years. granted, it was made of very old parts, it still ran fine to the very end. he started to change though, get more into the occult and some rather risque political stances, and also became more and more...erractic? unstable? both of those sound worse than it was and have unintended negative connotations, but essentially, his entire personality shifted. he would go from not talking to me and blocking me over small disagreements and other insignificant things to wanting to know how i was and wanting to be my best friend. he had a bad atv wreck that resulted in a week long coma immediately before this shift that i think caused it. ive told him multiple times that i support him and would always be his friend, but he grew more and more distrustful without ever giving me a reason why. he called me a fake friend, a rapist, acted like i ultimately meant nothing to him even though in like 90% of the discord drama he was involved in, i would take his side. i...cant hate him, even though he hates me now. i don't know why, maybe its just having been best friends for so long. i miss the old him, and i still check his non-neocities site on occasion, just to see if hes alive. i just miss my best friend, i guess. he saved my life a couple of times, even. took me in for a few days when i was kicked out by stepdad, so i didnt have to worry about being on the streets in a town where i had a lot of people that hated me. he also helped with some of the visuals on my site, and inspired me as much as AD044s site to begin learning css and html. i wish i could understant WHY he hates me. maybe if i did, we could work things out. possibly. i dont know.

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9/24/2022, 2:23am
ate my first meal in a week and I can't help vut feel that its totally wasted on me. it brought my morale back up, but then the panic set in again. i don't deserve this and seeing that youre getting drunk with some dude just hurts and makes me panic. i don't want to be alive anymore and i want to starve to death or blow my fucking brains out all over the walls. i want to be loved and comforted, but the best thing thats ever going to happen in that regard is be abandoned. im so fucking sick of this.

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9/20/2022, 2:37am
i want to fucking hate you. i want to scream at you and fucking leave your ass in the dirt. but i can't. your actions are mostly justifiable and I appreciate the reason behind them and I love you too much to be angry with you. i just wish it didn't hurt so much. it feels like im being killed inside, honestly, and I feel like im falling apart. besides, its partly my fault anyway. i got too attached, pushed too hard, and I believe what you told me. i humiliated myself for you and I have no one to blame but myself. and i don't even know if I have any regrets either. ive enjoyed your company and support. but i still wish i could be angry with you, despite all of this.

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9/19/2022, 6:35am
i feel like im starting to lose it. my sleep schedule is abhorrently fucked up, I've been crying on and off for the past 6 hours, and im on the verge of panicking because one of the only people i trust enough to really talk to is about to take a break from discord from an unknown amount of time. i can't keep doing this, im out of energy physically and mentally. i don't want to be alone or constantly breaking down anymore. i can barely bring myself to update this dumb site because im so drained. i just want everything to be ok and for me to be happy for once.

9:45am
ive shut my discord down for five days. i found... those posts. all of the weird stuff about love I've been finding on your tiktok and site all suddenly make sense since you've dropped that knowledge bomb on me. i couldn't handle it. it hurts too much and i need time to...i don't know. i just don't want to interact with people for a while. i don't want to hurt you or guilt trip you, but i just can't do this rn.

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8/31/2022, 8:41pm
Abandoned, again. I can't say I didn't expect it, but...it still hurts. As I've said, I'm not likeable or particularly handsome or any sort of really redeemable in any sense of the word. I had...just hoped it would go differently. I guess I deserve it. It's only a month until JF and CH move, and I want to vacate this reality around that time, I think. I have nothing to live for anymore and I'm tired of hanging on. Everyone would be happier without me as well, i think.

9:00pm
Maybe it just isn't my fate to know affection, or companionship. I could believe it, considering things are for me, and the way I've made them. I am truly my own worst enemy, at all times, in all ways. Regret won't fix these issues though, its already too late to fix me. I am unsalvageable, irreparable. I am truly glad that I will never reproduce, lest my offspring be as vile and horrible as me.

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8/22/2022, 5:36pm
I'm beginning to believe that love doesn't actualy exist. I'm not sure if this is self-gaslighting of a sort, or a natural response to my past relationships and the way I've been treated by the people who were most important to me. It's sort of comforting, in a way, to think that the reason I've been treated so poorly isn't because I'm unlovable, but because love simply doesn't exist. Unfortunately, I know I am unlovable, so I can't exactly delude myself into thinking that loves un-existence is the sole reason for my poor treatment. I wonder if this is somehow a punishment for my misdeeds in the past.

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8/3/2022, 5:10pm
i am tired of hiding my pain and depression behind humor. i dont find enjoyment in anything anymore. i cant even masturbate without feeling hopeless and depressed. im tired of being alone, of the few people i talk to trying to make light of the situation. i have nothing fucking left to give. i do not want to be alive and every day feels like a new horror. if thats funny to someone, then fine, laugh at me. but im just...exhausted. eternally exhausted.

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7/27/2022, 4:55pm
"Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence." i wonder if theres a word for a version of this that would apply to a relationship with someone that constantly ignores you/pretends you dont exist, you know, except its a real person and not a piece of media?

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7/26/2022, 12:67am
Did you know that I'm actually an ordained priest? Of course not, I haven't spoken about it. When I was much younger, i was ordained as an Aaronic Priesthood holder of the Mormon church. This is a common occurance as to become a priesthood holder is as easy as turning 11 and completing an interview. Have you commited any sins, do you know what masturbation is, etc, etc. When i turned 18, i was meant to go through another interview to become a Melchizedek priesthood holder, which is the same as an Aaronic Priesthood holder but for those over the age of 18. I never actually did my interview as I stopped going to church. i was disillusioned by the church by the time i was 16 and the actions of certain higher-ups in my mothers ward further cemented my distrust of the Mormon church. Despite this, i begrudgingly still hold faith in God. Not so much that i would consider myself a believer, but I have seen and experienced too many things that have firmly convinced me that something beyond us exists, in a more paranormal sense. I have considered myself an amateur occultist for a while, as well, collecting knowledge and historical accounts of paranormal activity in the form of books and pdf files. I just find it fascinating, honestly.

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7/21/2022, 4:56am
i have smoothed things over with my extended family and have also started recovering from the illness i have. im still ill, but greatly reduced. i haven't been starving either, as I've gotten some supplies and have been eating at my aunt and uncles place. i just...hurt. its painfully obvious that im an afterthought to everyone, even e. i just want someone to say they love me and are proud of me.

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7/9/2022, 2:37am
these last couple weeks have been... pretty much unbearable. i ran out of food about 4 days ago and I've been so sick i can't hardly move with being dizzy and nauseated. i can't even drink water without hurling. maybe if I'm luck this illness will prove fatal. additionally, my mother has angered the rest of the family towards me by saying i told her some of my uncle's personal plans, even though I begged her to say nothing. this means i can't ask for any sort of assistance from them, essentially condemning me to starvation or death by illness. i am tired of living.

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6/29/2022, 10:33am
im tired of not being good enough. i don't look good enough or im too dumb or whatever. i constantly compare myself to other people my age and utterly fail. i just want to be appreciated for me, but i know ill never have that. i can only imagine and hope for things to be better, but i know my life will always be misery.

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6/24/2022, 5:17pm
Another family member has moved onto the property. Its my aunt, who i will designate M, and her autistic son. this really isnt much if an issue, except her son is spoiled rotten. he throws fits if he doesn't get what he wants. i try not to be irritable with him, knowing that the change is very hard on him and that he is autistic. hes an ok kid, just gotta be a bit more sympathetic and patient.
in other news...ive noticed a trend among everyone i talk to. im the only one with no talent. E is a fantastic musician and artist, B has a fantastic vocal range and the ability to voice act and sing decently, i have another friend who is another fantastic musician. i have no artistic talent. my artwork is dogshit, and i can't make music to save my life. surviving is all im really good at and im sick of failing constantly when it comes my creative urges. i just won't try anymore.

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6/19/2022, 6:08pm
in the time i was gone, i managed to get and old Acer Aspire X that my mom had working. all i needed to do was replace the HDD. the wifi chip inside of it is busted, but thats fine as ive ordered a wifi dongle from amazon, which should be arriving in a few days. ive even got morrowind and the classic 1999 rainbow six running on this thing. in other news, my mom has allegedly been diagnosed with cancer. she called me a few days ago, wanting to tell me and wanting to know what my opinion was on an idea to move back to missouri because her entire care team is there. i merely asked to tag along as, after all, she is still my mother. not to mention, i have multiple friends and career opportunities there in missouri, so it would be beneficial to me. i dont know how i feel about her having cancer. even through everything, i still dont really know. maybe i just havent processed it or something, i dont know. ive been very ill lately, so that may have something to do with my """numbness""". im just not sure.

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6/10/2022, 12:20am
So many bad things keep happening and I'm really not sure how much more i can take. Its an unending stream of confusion, living through nightmares, and constantly wondering how long itll be before i just...give up. I'm close to it. I can't do this much longer.

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5/31/2022,11:13am
last night, my aunt CH and uncle JF wanted to have a barbeque, so i joined in with them. we were having a good time, listening to music and talking and drinking. well, Brs sister informed the police because she has it in her head that we are all trying to kill br or attempting to ruin his life, or whatever, so she wanted the cops to do a wellness check. this is mostly my fault, bc i and him had argued a bit while she was talking to Br over the phone. She had threatened to call the police before, so this isnt a surprise. But it totally derailed the night and pissed everyone off. ive also managed to irritate E. everything i touch or have a part in, i fucking ruin.

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5/30/2022, 2:19pm
I finally found out a way to get my id card and social security shit sorted, but B still doesn't want me returning. It's all for nothing and i am truly without hope. There is no point in putting in more than the barest minimum effort in anything anymore, i guess, since ill just be fucked. jesus christ.

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5/28/2022, 9:42pm
My parents have expressed that they want me to move out. I sacrificed everything coming down here. EVERYTHING. And all they've done is lie to me. They won't even pay their electric bill as per an agreement made between them and my uncle and aunt who live on the property. They want me to move out because I called them on their lies and recklessness with money. Harsh words were exchanged and my mother informed me that it was not her job to help me replace my identification paperwork, which i dont know how to do, being 22. So i can't even get a job. And now they expect me to leave. Fine. I'll fucking leave. But they better not ever ask me for a fucking thing again, since they're forcing their son to be homeless.

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5/20/2022, 1:00pm
i almost can't take it anymore. between Br and Jn constantly screaming at each other and fighting, to E starting to pull away from me because of several issues weve had and her own personal problems, and the codingcamp classes falling through due to issues with my extended family, my mental health is non-existent. my mom and father keep starting problems, so do the rest of the family. my birthday was the 17th and my mom and dad tried their hardest to ruin it. i almost don't see a reason to try anymore. if e and me stop speaking, i truly will have no reason to try. i feel like im fucking drowning.

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5/9/2022, 7:41pm
C ended up readding me, and I accepted it, but informed E about it. She obessively asked to meet him and demanded to until I gave in, and now I have a hopless, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I will lose her and maybe C once again. I just know it.

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4/25/2022, 6:16pm
My father and mother have invited a family member and her boyfriend who were addicted to meth to come out and "get clean". I have had multiple problems with this, and theyve been here for a few days already. Their attitudes are poor, one of them is pregnant, and they constantly fight. My dad and mom have allegedly also promised them a vehicle and a house. He promised them things he can't even provide for his own family. I would be angry, but I'm too exhausted to be because these two drug addicts literally require babysitting constantly, despite being 23(the family memmber, designated Jn) and 20(her bf, designated Br). I've also started doing coding camp to try and expand my coding knowledge to get certificates to get a job. Anything to get some sort of cash flow and leave, at this point.

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4/18/2022, 1:57am
A constant source of irritation and outright anger for me is my lack of talent in the artistry department. I have a deep urge to create art and write and all kinds of creative things, but i know my kack of talent will simply ruin it. "You have to practice" people tell me, but ive been practicing on and off since i was 13 and it still looks awful. theres no point for me to keep trying.

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4/03/2022, 3:17pm
I will never be anyone's first thought, first kiss, first fuck, first love. i will always come 4th or 5th or 8th. i will always be the one reaching out to people, i will always be the one looking for even a crumb of attention. i will never enough or the one anyone is looking for. i will always be an afterthought. in life and most probably in death.

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3/29/2022, 7:29pm
Another bit of my limited resources gone or otherwise no longer dependable. yesterday, the lights in the living room and kitchen went out and i couldn't replace them because my mom has her car. i don't have my license anyway, so not like it matters. additionally, a few days ago, my mother called me. we'd been ignoring each other after a huge set of arguments that occured right after my last entry, but she called me. wanted to work things out and brought up some specific incidents that I wanted her to be honest about weeks ago. but thats the thing: i wanted her honesty weeks ago. now you want to come crawling back to me wanting to say anything you can to make me not bitter that you lied to me and trapped me here? fuck you! your trailer is falling apart, the rest of the family hates you and me both, you lie to me about everything under the sun, you dump a dog i can't take care of in my lap, and you expect me to not hate you?! you missed your chance for reconciliation when you said you didn't remember then said i was imagining it! you missed your chance to help when i begged for it and your only reaction was to sneer at me! I've lost everything trying to help you and all I've gotten in return is heartbreak!

10:53pm
im going to die alone here, i keep fucking everything up. i shouldn't have come here and now I'm gonna die alone here, fuck

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3/21/2022, 4:41pm
it's been a moment. i said i'd update more, but then the computer i was using stopped working, so i must use my cell phone. I'm now trapped at my moms, totally alone. my mother's pregnancy terminated via stillbirth. she survived, fortunately. this stillbirth was caused by a combination of factors, the primary one being stress. it would make sense as my father was here for a week and did nothing but lie and start fights. he even demanded my mother go on the road with him or he wouldn't go to work. because of this, im trapped here indefinitely, despite my mother swearing this particular instance wouldn't happen. not like I wasn't stuck here before. b doesn't want me to return to his apartment, understandably. he wont even try to figure out a way to come get me. ive very nearly given up hope entirely. this is all too much bullshit and i shouldn't even be in this situation. im alone. totally, undeniably alone. its only a matter of time before E and J give up on me, and when they do? ill have nothing.

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2/19/2022, 2:30am
I'm tempted to cease contact with everyone i talk to online. not like it'd be a huge difference, since im usually ignored anyway. i'm also tempted to delete my discord, telegram, neocities, etc. maybe even put a bullet through my phone. i know it'd be unwise and a waste, but i can't help but feel like noone would even notice my disappearence. for example, i'm asked my opinion, but when i give it, the person who asked usually just goes "that isn't what i wanted to hear, ill ask someone else" or a similiar statement. i just feel totally unwanted and that me disappearing would have no affect on anyone around me.

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2/18/2022, 2:24am
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. I'm *still* with my mother, unfortunately. So much for "a week or two". Things here are...bad. I'll start with the good though. I've met all of my family, and I don't much care for any of them with the exception of my Aunt CH and Uncle JF. They're pretty cool, actually. JF is a very adventured man, having been all over the country and seen all manner of things. He has a "deep relationship" with god, but not in a very...preachy way. He's actually quite interesting to listen to, being funny, relateable, and a very good seeming guy. He also enjoys some of the same video games I do, such as the Elder Scrolls series, and Command and Conquer. CH is a bit of a wild card. I like her, but she seems very reserved around me. That might be my fault, as I'm very...I don't know. Everywhere all at once? She seems nice and kind, but I dont have a lot to say of her otherwise due to her withdrawn-ness. I'd like to know her more, as much as I know JF.
Unfortunately, this is where the good ends.
The rest of my fathers family is a pack of disgusting animals, content with living in roaches, trash, and abuse. My half-brother is a wastrel, so much so that me and him got into a physical altercation. This resulted in his guardian, Aunt LN, threatening to kill me, while me and him were laughing about the altercation and talking to my Aunt SN. My half-sister is wasted potential at its worst. She's behind in all ways, from socially to education, as LN does "homeschool" with the kids. Homeschool consists of nothing, most of the time. Nothing except screaming and berating, i guess i should say. Needless to say, i dislike them very much.
I guess this leaves my mother, father, and the trailer...starting with the trailer.
The trailer really isn't that bad. Theres a lot of work everywhere to be done, but its nothing to really stress over. First thing really needing done is leveling, floors, and toilets. Everything else is mostly cosmetic and is getting done slowly. Now...moving onto my father.
He has lied to me everystep of the way, but luckily he is on the road, being a trucker. He sends my mom money and treats her well, but those were never a concern with him, being at least amicable to my mother. But you really can't trust a single word he has to say, even if he doesn't sell your vacuum cleaner for methamphetamine (which he once did, dating my mom). Everyone dog piles him for everything else, but i really don't thing thats fair, as he has faults, but not in the areas the family likes to gossip about him about. At least hes pleasant, unlike my mother.
My mother is a deeply unpleasant and untrustworthy woman, having a penchant for lying as easily as she breathes. I constantly catch her lying about anything, from my abuse, to allegedly being in the military. She also seems to very much like arguing, refusing to budge on the smallest of topics and refusing to see other peoples points, as well as talking over and interrupting people. She also has a habit of correcting everything you say. You could say the sky is a beautiful blue and she'd scream that its not that color and that youre imagining things. She recently tried to convince my father that I was going to lay hands on her when we were having an argument. Because of this, I am no longer comfortable being near her alone, but i am forced to be a lot of the time. My mother is an untrustworthy, hateful shrew, using her unborn child as an excuse to hateful. This isn't to say that i've not said hurtful things, but i've never tried to convince anyone that i was being abused by someone who just wants to help!
I feel so alone out here, so tired and depressed all the time from the constant arguing and working, but i cant leave. Have I died and gone to hell? it sure feels like it. I'll try and update sooner.

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1/15/22, 9:36am
This will be my last update for a time. I'm going to my mothers and I will not be able to update for a week or two. With luck, I'll be able to update sooner, but I am unsure. I really don't want to do this.

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1/11/22, 11:25am
I am a genuinely unlikable person. I am quick to anger and feel rapid intense emotion, I'm not particularly intelligent, and I become fixated on things that do not matter to anyone. These things are not the fault of other people, but of me. I understand why I am unlikable, but I am unable to change it, be through lack of will or sheer terror of the unknown. Logically, I am a coward and a wastrel, better off dead in the woods with a .22LR lodged in my cerebral cortex than alive and upsetting everyone around me. I tire of this game of cat and mouse I am eternally waging with my own insanity. Maybe one day I'll perish. That'd solve all of these problems.

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1/8/22, 7:34pm
The way memory and reality interact is very odd. Occasionally, you can remember things in perfect clarity, akin to watching a picture perfect recording of it. THis recording often includes feelings, touch, taste, smell, etc, etc. You can even get lost in it, for a time. Touching, feeling, tasting, and smelling things from many years ago. All of these little tidbits of sensation and emotion are contained in a 3cm-5cm chunk of meat located on each side of the brain. And yet, it holds them in perfect clarity, like a specimen held suspended in formaldehyde or resin. The strangest part is that the moment you start fixating *too* hard on these memories or actively seek them out, they're lost the receeses of your mind, hidden away as the world around you fades back in with a stark clarity. Another strange phenomenon is brain fog. Brain fog is strange in the way that it will active impede thought, memory, and logical thinking of any kind and you won't even be able to figure out whats happening or even why. Even now, i can feel the fog in my mind thickening as I write this. Calling up memories with brain fog is akin to slugging through waist deep mud and water in rubber waders: sure, it is possible, but it wont be easy. Often times, it will be unpleasant and even outright difficult. The human mind is an enigma at best, and totally unfathomable at worst.

8:55pm
I also cannot help but to feel that I limit myself somehow. I believe my subconcious drums up this brain fog and these random thoughts to keep me limited in a little box of comfort to keep me from experiencing anything new and frightening. This is also applies to exploring the deeper intricacies of my mind. I believe there may be feelings and pain hidden away in the brain fog that I've never worked through or fully explored. I might be overestimating myself, but I think theres something there. There has to be, considering I can call up memories, including memories of *sensation*, with little to no trouble, but i have an exceedingly hard time doing any sort of deeper intellectual thinkng. There has to be *something* locked away.

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1/7/22, 12:12am
CW: Self-Harm, Mention of Robbery
to keep me from going insane and to keep my schziophrenia in check, ive started self-harming again. im pretty vicious to myself, more so than when i was 17, but not so much so that it could hurt me in the long term. it keeps me at least mostly "normal" because it shifts my focus to physical wounds. its not a long term solution and i know ill have to figure out something eventually, but its something at least. i talked to my mother, apparently ill be going there week after next if everything goes right. also tonight, my neighbors was broken into. i was talking to E through discord when i heard a crash of glass. i went and alerted B, who was taking a shower, then retrieved my revolver. he retrieved his .40 caliber berreta and we both stepped outside to see what was going on. we didnt see anyone, but we did see their car peel off real quick. i think they saw us, but we both know how to handle a firearm, so im not super worried about it...(thats a lie, im terrified).

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1/3/22, 7:37pm
New years hit and with it a wave of revulsion, anxiety, and agony. i dont want a repeat of 2021 or 2020, but i know itll go that way. i lack the courage and willpower to change my habits, worldview, and lifestyle. i portray myself as a strong, charismatic, and intelligent individual. in reality, i am as weak, gullible, and unknowledgable as a child. i have many wants and needs, none of which i am confident enough to achieve or deserving of. i may not have it as bad as other people, but its so hard to look past my emotions, past, whatever. i look at all of my friends, achieving things and being the intelligent, gifted individuals they are, like E, B, J, or S. all 4 of them have their own specific issues, but theyre so smart and such good people, i cant help but to be a little jealous of them. i know its a "grass is greener" kind of thing, but i have nothing to show for my suffering and effort. im too dumb to get anything as well. it feels like rng was stacked against me. i accidentally upset E and now shes being a little more reserved than usual, which is to be expected. noone wants to converse with an asshole, even if they dont intend to be an asshole. i hope this year i get the courage to actually fix myself or blow my brains out. this is hell.

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12/30/21, 6:52pm
updated the site a bit. looks better, i think. at least now the journal is easier to read for other users. thats gotta count for something, right?

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12/29/21, 2:37am
you cant treat someone like shit, then claim its comedy and expect them to never get tired of it. thats not how it works.

12/29/21, 2:47am
is it me? somehow my fault? it probably is. it always is. i should be used to it by now.

12/29/21, 2:04pm
i cant tell if you hate me or not. maybe im just tired and need rest. i keep overthinking every little thing you say to me. its starting to be detrimental to my mental state, honestly. i need to learn to not overthink and just roll with the flow. but i rolled with the flow for so long that its agnozing to not be in control. christ, what a mess

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12/27/21
i can't get over it, no matter how hard i try. i cant believe someone would do that to someone so sweet. no means fucking no, but i guess some people cant fucking understand that. im so angry, at that fuckin' prick for his actions. im so angry at myself for my own inability to help j. i can tell jokes and be funny, but humor doesnt mask that sort of trauma. godfuckingdammit, i want to hurt someone. but i cant. i cant be of use if im in jail on a charge. ive gotta hold it together, if only for j's sake.

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12/26/12 - INTRO/FORWARD
hello, user. if you are reading this, you have somehow stumbled upon my site and no doubt took notice of the "Journal" button. Fair warning, this is my entire life story almost. everything here is 100% true, but very, very distressing. readers beware.

i guess for context, i should start at the beginning, when i was born.

i was born to a 20 year old stripper/cocaine addict, my father was a former united states marine turned bullrider. they had met under circumstances i am unaware of, but i know that my conception was a mistake. an oversight, even. my mother and father had a rocky relationship, according to them. excessive drug use, alcohol abuse, constant arguing, the works. it was your typical young and dumb couple. however, my mother forced my father to abandon her and me when i was born, out of fear that his less than legal activities would catch up with him, and subsequently her and me. my mother instead married a wealthy family friend, who was double her age. he had his own mechanics business, which he worked in. this man was also an ex soldier. i guess my mom had a type.

Anyway. i was not told that the man she married was not my father. in fact, my mother and adopted father lied to me, convincing me that i was my adopted fathers offspring. there were clues of the truth, looking back into it, but being a child, i did not recognize them.

this man adopted me, treated me like his own, spoiled me even. my real father was in out of my life until i was around seven years of age. he would routinely give me gifts, such as a toy truck i cherished. according to my mother, my adopted father was not a good man. he had, for example, allegedly once shot a family friend with a .357 magnum revolver because he was convinced my mother was cheating on him. i have very little reason to believe this, for reasons that will be clear soon.

when i was 5 years of age, i learned that my adopted father had been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in his lungs. his work in the military, his mechanic business, and his heavy smoking had all caught up with him, it seemed. he did chemotherapy for several years, despite being told that he had mere months to live. this was allegedly due to wanting to teach me that "quitting isnt an option in the face of responsibility". all i learned is that chemotherapy takes a hellish toll on the human body, but his original intent had gotten through. eventually, he went into remission. it seemed like the battle had been won, but this was merely a temporary reprieve as several months later, he was diagnosed with brain cancer as well as his original diagnoses of lung cancer. i remember that he had driven me to my mothers work at Hollywood Video (a dvd/video game rental place, akin to Blockbuster) and told me to be good. my mother allowed me to stay and my father left. little did i know, he was going to purchase alcohol and speak to a close friend about killing himself, which he had been talked out of. keep this in mind for this close friend is very relevant later.

the reason i remember this so vividly is because that night, after my mom ended her shift and we traveled home, we had gone to see the latest Terminator film and the latest Transformers film at ta local drive in. theater. the entirety of the Terminator film, my adopted father was drinking Jack Daniels whiskey. by the end of the film and beginning of the Transformers film, he was so sloshed that he had no idea what was happening. we ended up going home and watching the movie when it came to dvd later on. this marks a turning point, as this is the last memory from this time period that i can look back on fondly.

this is because he had started dying after this. he began a "new" and "innovative" treatment known as Gamma Knife. this treatment turned out to be killing him faster than the cancer, all while almost not affecting the cancer at all. this proved to be too much for his body, and it was here his mind started to slip, shortly followed by his body. within a year, he was bed bound, almost totally unable to walk and his mind started confusing things, similar to a victim of dementia.

it was here that the mormon church, in 2009, entered my families lives. i was tending to the house, doing dishes and caring for my dying adopted father, when there was a knock on the door. it was two missionaries, whos names will not be revealed for privacy reasons. they helped me clean the house and listened to my woes and spoke with my adopted father. not once did they mention the church or anything. i was smitten with how kind they were and they promised to visit again. they did so, a week later when my mom was home. i had told her of what they had done, and was suspicious of their intent. when they came around and told her, my adopted father, and i about their church. we all felt a connection because of their kindness, so we collectively decided to attend one sundays worth of sermon, at the the combined efforts of the missionaries and my encouragement. it was a very...enlightening sermon and we became full fledged members of the church within mere months. the kindness of that ward was nearly unparalleled, even within their own church.

everal months after being baptized, my father passed. i only remember flashes of the funeral. i couldnt handle his death, and neither could my mother. she completely shut down and only sat on the porch of our trailer, in total shock. that friend i mentioned before eventually came around, looking to check up on us. my biological father had informed me this would happen as this friend would be raising me and helping my mother grieve, as my biological father had been absent for several years at this point. the family friend, who would later become my stepfather, would help my mother recover, caring for her in a way that i was unable. he would also go on to help me work through my own grieving a little. i was no longer angry about my adopted fathers death, i now knew that everyone and everything dies and i should be happy that he had lived for so long in the first place.

he also helped me work through my molestation, which occurred at the hands of my cousin. i will not be going into details as it is still a very distressing subject for me. however, this initial kindness would only serve to cause doubts within myself later on when i learned his true nature.

after these events took place, he convinced me and my mother to move to arkansas, his state of birth. my mother agreed, after months of deliberation and dicussion. when we moved, we ended up meeting his very eccentric and quite snobby family. they were rich and thought of anyone poorer than them as subhuman, as it were. i personally never cared for them, as anyone with eyes could see how...fake they were. however, they helped my family acquire property in arkansas, so a begrudging trust was in order.

It is here, in 2012, that my stepfather started being abusive towards me and my mother. he would regularly lash out at me, hit me with his hands and various objects, berating me with all manner of insults just because he felt like it. my mother definitely was also in a bad situation, but she found the abuse on me cathartic and even humorous. i remember on multiple occasions of my mother laughing and making fun of me as my father choking me, and slugging me in the stomach, which she claims to absolve herself of even though she admits this freely. i tried telling her, begging with her, that this couldnt go on, but she encouraged my stepfather. this culminated in 2013 when i attempted suicide via hanging. i had gotten so far as to actually be hanging when my stepfather saved my life. any rational person would expect this to mark a time of healing, a change in behavior and the beginning of mending the family. any rational person would be wrong, as the abuse only increased in intensity. i was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder immediately after being hospitalized, but this mattered not to my family. they saw it as weakness and sought to exploit it for their own amusement.

this would continue until 2014. at this point, we had moved to missouri for reasons that are insignificant in the big picture. it was then, i began to grow tired of my stepfathers antagonizations and would begin fighting back against him, which would more often than not result in my injury. it was during one of these scuffles that he would break my nose by slamming my head onto the pavement of our carpark. i decided right then was enough and told my mom that i need out of this situation by any means necessary. she contacted a childcare facility and within a month, i was pulled out of school and forced into the harsh world of the child care industry. i was shuffled through several facilities and even foster homes with a gamut of medications and therapists. these were almost useless as a full year and a half later, i was released back into nearly the same situation with my mother. the biggest change was that my mother and stepfather were now living in serperate housing arrangements as that was the only way i was allowed to return to my mothers care. this proved to actually be beneficial to our parental relationship, as we grew closer and even kind of reconciled. by the time i was in her care once more, it was 2016 and i had just celebrated my 16th birthday.

>all good things come to a close, as we were forced to move because my stepfather had acquired (and subsequently let loose) a number of untamed canines, which actually attacked a handful of people. understandably, the trailerpark we were living in took exception to this. we were once again in the same roof, though my stepfather had become relatively more tame, or rather more hesitant to cause any problems with me, though he would regularly yell at my mother and treat her poorly, which i eventually began calling him out on. i was tired of seeing him victimize my mother. however, my then girlfriend would almost always come to his defense, despite essentially living at our house. i thought this was odd, but it was explained several months after our breakup (which occured for unrelated reasons) when my mother confided in me that she had caught my stepfather cheating on her with my girlfriend. such is life, i guess. i'd be lying if i said i didnt have melancholic feelings about her still, but that ship is LONG sailed.

by 2019, we again ended up moving once more, with my stepfather becoming more and more argumentative, going so far as to force me out when i caught him abusing my border collie, collin. i had recently met a friend who lived in texas that offered me a place to go, so i saved up as much money as i could, quit my job, and made my way there with help from my mother by august 2020. i accidentally left my social security card and identification with my mother, so i had no way to reacquire either one, but i was sure this wouldnt be a problem. anyone who knows how these things work know that i would regret this. still regretting it, actually. american bureaucracy at its finest.

several months after i had properly integrated with my roommate and finally began exploring my own freedom and personality, i got a call from my mother. she told me that she had left my stepfather and that she had "met an old flame". i was taken aback as i had been sure that shed never leave that abusive shitsack she married all those years ago, but i was overjoyed at her freedom. that is, until she revealed the truth that this "old flame" was my actual biological father and that the man who had visited me and my adopted father several times and given me my prized toy truck as a child was my father. she essentially informed me that everything i had known, from the origin of my name, to the truth behind how she met my father was a lie. none of it was true. i had a full on psychological break after meeting my father via facebook messenger call, to which my roommate had the idea to buy two bottles of high proof rum and we could sit and drink. this wound up proving to be a bad idea because i simply slugged down as much of this Bumbu Rum as i could before i passed out, resulting in me having minor alcohol poisoning and a two thousand dollar hospital visit. he believed i was in a more sound state of mind, so he is not at fault. i should have had more control.

months pass and i get to know my father more and more, only to learn that my mom isnt the only women in his life, although she is the "most important" to him. i also learn that he does drugs, still. methamphetamine, specifically. he assures me that he is not addicted to it and i believe him out of naivety and wanting to build relations. this would be revealed very recently to now that he has been lying to me and using my confidence in his abilities to not be addicted to lie to my mom. on top of this, my mom has caught him cheating on her, with a woman half his age. these things drove me to have a minor breakdown with my schizoaffective disorder causing me to question everything ive learned and experienced for two full days.

things have been tough, and seem to only be getting...stranger. some days are better than others, but im hoping that using this website as a journal to vent will help me figure some things out. i may update it very sporadically, depending on events happening and things i decide to talk about.